Which Parent do You Love More?

 The one question no parent wants to hear answered

Showing favoritism toward one child in the family is a well-established no-no for parents. Whether they’re your own children or those of your partner in a blended family, you are told as soon as more than one child is in your family not to show preferences. Not only can parental favoritism lead children to become insecure and jealous during childhood, but its effects can carry over for decades.

Middle-aged children who report that their parents preferred one sibling in childhood continue to experience tension between themselves and the favored child.  Long-held jealousies don’t just fade away over time when they involve such powerful dynamics.

Turning the table now to preferences that children have toward parents, we find that this is an area in the family literature, potentially rife with all sorts of intriguing results, that simply doesn’t exist either in humans or other species.
There could be many reasons for children to prefer one parent over the other. A daughter may feel a closer identification to her mother (based on gender alone), but on the other hand, she may feel more conflict, particularly as the daughter develops through the complex years from the teens to adulthood. We know that some mother-daughter pairs experience a developmental schism (Birditt et al. 2009) in which they lose the ability to connect emotionally. On the other hand, adult fathers tend to have more ambivalent feelings toward their children than do mothers according to research by Cornell University’s Karl Pillemer and associates (2012).
There are many possible factors that could affect children’s preferences toward parents in addition to gender per se. Children may feel that one parent is more similar to them psychologically, is more empathetic to them, or is just a better parent period. We could also make the case, in contrast, that children prefer the parent who is opposite to them, just as in adult romantic relationships where “opposites attract.”
From a psychodynamic perspective, of course, your preference for your mother or father becomes one of the great dramas of childhood. When you’re in the throes of the Oedipal conflict, you should be deeply in love with your opposite-sex parent but, as the conflict is resolved, you begin to identify more and more with the other parent.  This is a simplified rendition of the theory but, if we accept the basic premise, it does imply that adult daughters should always prefer their mothers, and sons their fathers. Anyone who doesn’t show this normative pattern, this theory would imply, hasn’t “worked through” the conflict and is forever destined to be neurotic.
Behavioral theory, by contrast, would argue that children prefer the parent who provides them with more positive reinforcement.  Perhaps like those European roller birds, you gravitate toward the parent who will ensure that you get the food you need.  
A 2013 study on Portugese and native mother-daughter pairs carried out by University of Luxembourg’s Isabelle Albert and colleagues suggests, instead, that by the time children grow to adulthood, they bond with the parent who they see as more likely them ideologically.
Albert and her team based their study on the Bengston and Roberts (1991) well-accepted Intergenerational Solidarity Model, which proposes that running through all family relationships among multiple generations are a set of basic underlying dimensions. First is the affection dimension, or the extent to which parents and children like and love each other. However, potentially just as important are the dimensions of  values consensus, or how much they agree on a basic philosophy of life, functional, or how much they support each other, and normative, or how much they feel they should behave toward each other based on their parent-child social status.
Using this framework, if you feel that you prefer one parent to another, you can ask yourself whether it’s because you and this parent see the world in similar ways, both like and love each other, because this parent supports you more, or whether you just think that you “should.”
The findings of the Albert et al. study suggest that values consensus plays a major role in determining the feelings a daughter has toward her mother and how much she’s willing to support her.  Conversely, mothers who felt close to their daughters did so regardless of whether they agreed in life philosophy. These findings support the notion of the intergenerational stake—that parents look less critically at their children than children do to their parents.  
Because there were no men in the study, the possible combinations of mother-son, father-son, and father-daughter obviously couldn’t be examined. However, we might wonder whether values trumps gender when a child, regardless of gender, thinks about the preferred parent. Particularly with changing gender roles, the stereotyped notion of the mother providing the affection and the father providing the discipline, for example, may be starting to shift.
Preferring one parent over the other raises a number of complications in the family while the children are growing up, but perhaps has more serious implications over time. Missing out on the relationship you have with an aging mother and father by virtue of expressing a preference for the other may close off one route to fulfillment and self-understanding as both you—and your parents—grow older.



Original Article by : Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D. in Fulfillment at Any Age

Positive Ways to start Your Day

What is the first thing you do when you wake up? Do you pray, pull your blanket above your head, so you won’t hear the alarm clock and continue sleeping?
Maybe the first thing you do is grab your smartphone and read your mail, text to your friends, or read the news.
Most people, when they wake up in the morning, are not fully conscious and focused. It takes a few minutes until they get focused. For some people, it takes much longer.
Others, are more extreme, and don’t want people talking to them until quite long after they wake up.
But what do you do afterwards?

Everyone goes through a certain morning ritual. You may start with the bathroom, or getting the family ready for school or work, or you might start with cooking or cleaning.
It is always rush time, no time and no patience. Sometimes, by the time you get to work you are already exhausted.
Few find the time in the morning for more than their basic needs. Few consider their state of mind or think about a different way of starting the day. Yet, how you think and feel in the morning impacts your day.
Do you think about the problems and ordeals you are going to face today, or about the things you are going to achieve today?
Why not start your day, differently, and in a positive way?
With just a few minutes and few actions, you can start your day differently.

Positive Ways to start Your Day

How Movies Fool Your Brain

Written by Susan K Perry

In my home, we sometimes find ourselves enjoying a movie that’s not much more than an engaging time-waster. At those times, if we haven’t the oomph to switch to something else, we just settle in and enjoy what we think of as a brain-dead movie.
But brains are most certainly not “dead” when they watch a movie. In fact, a surprising amount of activity is going on of which we’re not aware.
Wouldn’t it be interesting to know what’s happening in our brains when we stare at lights on a screen and have what feel like real experiences?

First of all, how do we understand a story? Zacks proposes that understanding occurs because we construct models of the story’s events. “An event model,” he writes, “is representation in your head that corresponds systematically to the situation in the story.” Such a model needn’t be perfect to work. We developed the ability—the neural architecture--to form such models because it helps us deal with the real world.
But how is it that we feel real emotion when watching a made-up movie?
One reason is that we tend to mimic emotions shown by others, including actors. Then we ready our bodies to respond appropriately to the situation, our bodies’ preparing for, say, fight or flight.
The most interesting theory described by Zacks explains why seeing emotion expressed on a screen leads to us actually feeling that emotion. It’s not a new theory. “Posing your face into a frown or smile doesn’t just affect your subjective experience,” explains Zacks, “it also affects your brain’s response.”
Skipping to Part II of the book, called The Tricks That Make Movies Work, we learn how several “tricks” fool our movie-watching brains. For instance, how do our brains make sense of film cuts (actually splices)? In fact, our brains are used to being briefly deprived of visual input when we blink or look around (when you move your eyes, there are very brief episodes of not seeing anything). So cuts in a movie’s action are experienced by our brains as like reality itself.
How do most of us, most of the time, miss so many continuity errors? Experiments have demonstrated a phenomenon called change blindness. Our vision is not persistent. “Visual persistence hangs on for only a fraction of a second,” explains Zacks, “and it is completely wiped out when new objects overlap where the old objects used to be.”

Tags: Psychology, Susan Perry .Movies, Brain 

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A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

 A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

 What word starts with "N" and ends with "R" that you never want to call a black person? Neighbor.

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"

 A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

Should Women Date Men Afraid to Commit?

When you fall in love with a man who cannot commit, you do so at your peril. Make no mistake about it, a man who cannot commit is a man who is afraid to commit. It does not matter if his fears are rational or irrational, what matters is that he puts his cards on the table, and most always with panache.
So what about men in their plus 40s and the women who date them? Actually dating them is not the problem—the problem is falling in love with them.
Never date a man who cannot commit unless you are certain you will not give him your heart.
These men often sincerely love, but just to a point. As such you might find yourself saying, "I know what he's like, but we have such fun together, it's OK if it is just temporary." But in your heart of hearts, is temporary really what you want?
So the question is this. Should women spend time, energy, and emotions on a man who may never be a part of their future? Keep in mind that he may have a list of ideals—and you may well meet his 50 requirements. But once he realizes this, he will add another challenge, and then another. For you, it's about risks and benefits.

4 big risks in dating a man who can't commit

Perspective: As the two of you become increasingly intimate, you begin to think to yourself—"I know he really likes me. I give him unlimited space,  we laugh a lot. This can work." Pinch yourself. You're delusional.

Self-Esteem: As you invest more of yourself in Mr. Non-Commitment, and he does not return the affection in little ways, you begin to feel unworthy. (What little ways? A card. Spur of the moment text. Week-end calls. (Even the Beltway Bachelor says no week-end call is a red flag.) A little gift. Flowers for no reason at all. None of this will happen. Snap out of it. It's not you. It's him.

Time: The time you invest in the man whom you wish could be Mr. Right, but who does not want to be anyone's Mr. Right, is time you take away from finding a loving companion.


Heartbreak: If you are willing to risk the heartbreak of a man who cannot commit just make certain he is worthy of your tears.
Also, when the day comes for you to admit that he was you wishful-thinking-fantasy, you want to remain grateful for the joy you shared. So get out before you become angry. Bitterness is bad for your skin.

Is there any benefit to dating a man who cannot commit?

That is a question that each woman must answer for herself when she looks in the mirror and says, "I am hopelessly in love, but he is never going to marry me. Now what?"
But my opinion about this? Its pointless! Men who can't commit sap women's time and energy.

Please feel free to share your thoughts on it ...


Originally written by  : Rita Watson


Tags; Love, Rita Watscon , Love and Gratitude