You want to be together all the time. Is that wonderful or obsessive?
“Too much of a good thing is wonderful” —Mae West
Romantic love has often been considered a type of addiction
or even sickness. There is no doubt that love involves constant
thinking about, and activities with, one's beloved. But is such
persistent preoccupation with one person always detrimental? Should it
be regarded as a type of addiction, or might it actually be beneficial
to the partners' flourishing?
How We Flourish
"How deep is your love?"—The Bee Gees
Profound activities are essential for our development and well-being; superficial activities have a more limited impact upon us; instrumental activities are performed in order to achieve a certain external goal; and intrinsic activities are performed because we value, and typically enjoy, doing them.
We typically regard intrinsic activities as positive, while instrumental activities are usually considered an unwelcome necessity—something we do not want to do, but must in order to achieve our goal. Intrinsic activities are of especially great value when they are profound (but can be destructive when they are undertaken superficially or excessively).
Intrinsic profound activities are crucial for the presence of long-term profound love (Ben-Ze'ev & Goussinsky, 2008).
Human flourishing is dynamic, and meaningful intrinsic activities are its most significant (but not only) elements. Human flourishing is not a temporary state of superficial pleasure; it involves a longer period of fulfillment of our natural capacities. It is the realization of one's potential, as opposed to hedonic well-being, which expresses fleeting pleasure. Carol Ryff (Ryff, et. al., 2004) collated multiple studies linking flourishing with beneficial impacts on our health—including higher immunity, resistance to and recovery from disease; lower levels of stress; longer periods of REM sleep (associated with deep rest and dreams); and lower levels of the biomarkers associated with Alzheimer’s disease, osteoporosis, and arthritis.
Is Wanting to Be With Your Partner an Obsession?
"You will always be my endless love."—Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
An obsession, which is considered the primary symptom of any addiction, is defined as "a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling" (Merriam-Webster). The words disturbing and unreasonable are crucial here. Persistent preoccupation with an idea or a person is not harmful in itself—as long as it does not harm your flourishing. Since profound love involves a positive preoccupation that enhances one's personal flourishing, it cannot be regarded as an obsession, which is by its very definition a negative experience.
To explain this further, consider the notions of repetition and loving too much.
Repetition is an action or event that reoccurs regularly or intermittently. In human behavior, repetition is often seen as a negative, especially when it appears that no added value is gained from saying or doing the same thing again and again. Indeed, repetition generates boredom and de-activates human capacity. Why should we waste mental resources on repetitive activities?
Are there repetitive activities that add value to the initial activity? Many human capacities—playing the piano, dancing, swimming—are maintained, and even enhanced, only through repetition. In these cases, the repeated activity is valuable—without it, the capacity will deteriorate or fail to develop. (Hence the saying “Use it or lose it.”)
A repeated activity can be harmful when it is done excessively or in a way that damages other major flourishing activities. When such an activity does not contribute to your development and flourishing, it is likely to become addictive.
“Too much of a good thing is wonderful” —Mae West
Romantic love has often been considered a type of addiction
or even sickness. There is no doubt that love involves constant
thinking about, and activities with, one's beloved. But is such
persistent preoccupation with one person always detrimental? Should it
be regarded as a type of addiction, or might it actually be beneficial
to the partners' flourishing?How We Flourish
"How deep is your love?"—The Bee Gees
Profound activities are essential for our development and well-being; superficial activities have a more limited impact upon us; instrumental activities are performed in order to achieve a certain external goal; and intrinsic activities are performed because we value, and typically enjoy, doing them.
We typically regard intrinsic activities as positive, while instrumental activities are usually considered an unwelcome necessity—something we do not want to do, but must in order to achieve our goal. Intrinsic activities are of especially great value when they are profound (but can be destructive when they are undertaken superficially or excessively).
Intrinsic profound activities are crucial for the presence of long-term profound love (Ben-Ze'ev & Goussinsky, 2008).
Human flourishing is dynamic, and meaningful intrinsic activities are its most significant (but not only) elements. Human flourishing is not a temporary state of superficial pleasure; it involves a longer period of fulfillment of our natural capacities. It is the realization of one's potential, as opposed to hedonic well-being, which expresses fleeting pleasure. Carol Ryff (Ryff, et. al., 2004) collated multiple studies linking flourishing with beneficial impacts on our health—including higher immunity, resistance to and recovery from disease; lower levels of stress; longer periods of REM sleep (associated with deep rest and dreams); and lower levels of the biomarkers associated with Alzheimer’s disease, osteoporosis, and arthritis.
Is Wanting to Be With Your Partner an Obsession?
"You will always be my endless love."—Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
An obsession, which is considered the primary symptom of any addiction, is defined as "a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling" (Merriam-Webster). The words disturbing and unreasonable are crucial here. Persistent preoccupation with an idea or a person is not harmful in itself—as long as it does not harm your flourishing. Since profound love involves a positive preoccupation that enhances one's personal flourishing, it cannot be regarded as an obsession, which is by its very definition a negative experience.
To explain this further, consider the notions of repetition and loving too much.
Repetition is an action or event that reoccurs regularly or intermittently. In human behavior, repetition is often seen as a negative, especially when it appears that no added value is gained from saying or doing the same thing again and again. Indeed, repetition generates boredom and de-activates human capacity. Why should we waste mental resources on repetitive activities?
Are there repetitive activities that add value to the initial activity? Many human capacities—playing the piano, dancing, swimming—are maintained, and even enhanced, only through repetition. In these cases, the repeated activity is valuable—without it, the capacity will deteriorate or fail to develop. (Hence the saying “Use it or lose it.”)
A repeated activity can be harmful when it is done excessively or in a way that damages other major flourishing activities. When such an activity does not contribute to your development and flourishing, it is likely to become addictive.
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