We’ve all heard how “opposites attract”, even though we’re also told “birds of a feather flock together”. The fact that both of these adages have been passed down for so long suggests that the role of similarity in relationships is not a simple matter.
Most research indicates that we prefer to affiliate with others who are similar to us—Those who share our values and interests. But some claim that when it comes to personality traits, we may be most interested in complementarity.
Complementarity means that for some traits, similarity is most desirable, but for other traits, we prefer someone who is our opposite. The type of complementarity that has received the most attention from researchers examines two traits: affiliation (warm and friendly vs. cold and hostile) and control (dominant vs. submissive). According to this theory, we will prefer someone who is similar to us on affiliation (warm people like other warm people and cold people like other cold people) and opposite on dominance (dominant people pair off with submissive people).
On the other hand, we might expect that everyone, regardless of their own personality, would prefer positive traits in others. For example, even cold people would still prefer to be with someone who is warm.Trying to determine a couple’s compatibility or relationship satisfaction based on general personality traits is difficult (It’s also why personality-based match-making algorithms don't work!). Research points to the idea that where traits really matter is how they’re expressed during our actual interactions with partners. Despite our general levels of traits like warmth or dominance, we regularly alter how warmly or dominantly we behave in different situations....... (Full article)
In summary, after several case studies results suggest that when it comes to personality traits, it is neither the case that “birds of a feather flock together”, or that “opposites attract”. Rather, the answer is different for the traits of warmth and dominance, and more specifically what really matters is how much those traits are actually expressed as we discuss both positive and negative issues with our partners. And when it comes to what makes for a more satisfying interaction, showing positive traits is more important than showing traits that complement your partner’s.
Tags: Gwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D. , Relationships, Psychology
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