Can We Love Too Much?

“I love you much too much, I've known it from the start, but yet my love is such, I can't control my heart”—Dean Martin

The question of whether love is an addiction also depends on whether loving can be excessive—that is, whether we can love too much.

So, can loving someone too much be dangerous?

A useful distinction here is between romantic intensity, which expresses the momentary value of acute emotions, and romantic profundity, which embodies frequent acute occurrences of intense love over long periods of time, along with life experiences that promote your flourishing. Profound love is an engine of flourishing, so its benefits run deep. Just as we would not fault an author for writing a book that is too profound, we cannot criticize a lover for loving too profoundly. The issue of harmful addiction does not arise at all.


The wish to be with your beloved is understandable, because in intrinsic meaningful romantic activities we enjoy the activity for its own sake and there is no reason why we should not want to be involved in it again and again. This also pertains to profound intrinsic activities such as writing or painting. There is no “appropriate” frequency for engaging in profound intrinsic activities; however, engaging in such activities should not prevent you from engaging in other flourishing activities.

Superficial activities, such as casual sex and watching television, might be enjoyable even though they do not contribute much to our long-term flourishing. However, when they are done excessively they can be harmful as people can become addicted to them while neglecting other flourishing activities.

Romantic intensity, but not romantic profundity, can be excessive—a lover’s intense love might prevent a partner from noticing, or at least admitting, that his attitude toward her is humiliating or that their relationship has very little chance of surviving in the long term.