Which Parent do You Love More?

 The one question no parent wants to hear answered

Showing favoritism toward one child in the family is a well-established no-no for parents. Whether they’re your own children or those of your partner in a blended family, you are told as soon as more than one child is in your family not to show preferences. Not only can parental favoritism lead children to become insecure and jealous during childhood, but its effects can carry over for decades.

Middle-aged children who report that their parents preferred one sibling in childhood continue to experience tension between themselves and the favored child.  Long-held jealousies don’t just fade away over time when they involve such powerful dynamics.

Turning the table now to preferences that children have toward parents, we find that this is an area in the family literature, potentially rife with all sorts of intriguing results, that simply doesn’t exist either in humans or other species.
There could be many reasons for children to prefer one parent over the other. A daughter may feel a closer identification to her mother (based on gender alone), but on the other hand, she may feel more conflict, particularly as the daughter develops through the complex years from the teens to adulthood. We know that some mother-daughter pairs experience a developmental schism (Birditt et al. 2009) in which they lose the ability to connect emotionally. On the other hand, adult fathers tend to have more ambivalent feelings toward their children than do mothers according to research by Cornell University’s Karl Pillemer and associates (2012).
There are many possible factors that could affect children’s preferences toward parents in addition to gender per se. Children may feel that one parent is more similar to them psychologically, is more empathetic to them, or is just a better parent period. We could also make the case, in contrast, that children prefer the parent who is opposite to them, just as in adult romantic relationships where “opposites attract.”
From a psychodynamic perspective, of course, your preference for your mother or father becomes one of the great dramas of childhood. When you’re in the throes of the Oedipal conflict, you should be deeply in love with your opposite-sex parent but, as the conflict is resolved, you begin to identify more and more with the other parent.  This is a simplified rendition of the theory but, if we accept the basic premise, it does imply that adult daughters should always prefer their mothers, and sons their fathers. Anyone who doesn’t show this normative pattern, this theory would imply, hasn’t “worked through” the conflict and is forever destined to be neurotic.
Behavioral theory, by contrast, would argue that children prefer the parent who provides them with more positive reinforcement.  Perhaps like those European roller birds, you gravitate toward the parent who will ensure that you get the food you need.  
A 2013 study on Portugese and native mother-daughter pairs carried out by University of Luxembourg’s Isabelle Albert and colleagues suggests, instead, that by the time children grow to adulthood, they bond with the parent who they see as more likely them ideologically.
Albert and her team based their study on the Bengston and Roberts (1991) well-accepted Intergenerational Solidarity Model, which proposes that running through all family relationships among multiple generations are a set of basic underlying dimensions. First is the affection dimension, or the extent to which parents and children like and love each other. However, potentially just as important are the dimensions of  values consensus, or how much they agree on a basic philosophy of life, functional, or how much they support each other, and normative, or how much they feel they should behave toward each other based on their parent-child social status.
Using this framework, if you feel that you prefer one parent to another, you can ask yourself whether it’s because you and this parent see the world in similar ways, both like and love each other, because this parent supports you more, or whether you just think that you “should.”
The findings of the Albert et al. study suggest that values consensus plays a major role in determining the feelings a daughter has toward her mother and how much she’s willing to support her.  Conversely, mothers who felt close to their daughters did so regardless of whether they agreed in life philosophy. These findings support the notion of the intergenerational stake—that parents look less critically at their children than children do to their parents.  
Because there were no men in the study, the possible combinations of mother-son, father-son, and father-daughter obviously couldn’t be examined. However, we might wonder whether values trumps gender when a child, regardless of gender, thinks about the preferred parent. Particularly with changing gender roles, the stereotyped notion of the mother providing the affection and the father providing the discipline, for example, may be starting to shift.
Preferring one parent over the other raises a number of complications in the family while the children are growing up, but perhaps has more serious implications over time. Missing out on the relationship you have with an aging mother and father by virtue of expressing a preference for the other may close off one route to fulfillment and self-understanding as both you—and your parents—grow older.



Original Article by : Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D. in Fulfillment at Any Age

Positive Ways to start Your Day

What is the first thing you do when you wake up? Do you pray, pull your blanket above your head, so you won’t hear the alarm clock and continue sleeping?
Maybe the first thing you do is grab your smartphone and read your mail, text to your friends, or read the news.
Most people, when they wake up in the morning, are not fully conscious and focused. It takes a few minutes until they get focused. For some people, it takes much longer.
Others, are more extreme, and don’t want people talking to them until quite long after they wake up.
But what do you do afterwards?

Everyone goes through a certain morning ritual. You may start with the bathroom, or getting the family ready for school or work, or you might start with cooking or cleaning.
It is always rush time, no time and no patience. Sometimes, by the time you get to work you are already exhausted.
Few find the time in the morning for more than their basic needs. Few consider their state of mind or think about a different way of starting the day. Yet, how you think and feel in the morning impacts your day.
Do you think about the problems and ordeals you are going to face today, or about the things you are going to achieve today?
Why not start your day, differently, and in a positive way?
With just a few minutes and few actions, you can start your day differently.

Positive Ways to start Your Day

How Movies Fool Your Brain

Written by Susan K Perry

In my home, we sometimes find ourselves enjoying a movie that’s not much more than an engaging time-waster. At those times, if we haven’t the oomph to switch to something else, we just settle in and enjoy what we think of as a brain-dead movie.
But brains are most certainly not “dead” when they watch a movie. In fact, a surprising amount of activity is going on of which we’re not aware.
Wouldn’t it be interesting to know what’s happening in our brains when we stare at lights on a screen and have what feel like real experiences?

First of all, how do we understand a story? Zacks proposes that understanding occurs because we construct models of the story’s events. “An event model,” he writes, “is representation in your head that corresponds systematically to the situation in the story.” Such a model needn’t be perfect to work. We developed the ability—the neural architecture--to form such models because it helps us deal with the real world.
But how is it that we feel real emotion when watching a made-up movie?
One reason is that we tend to mimic emotions shown by others, including actors. Then we ready our bodies to respond appropriately to the situation, our bodies’ preparing for, say, fight or flight.
The most interesting theory described by Zacks explains why seeing emotion expressed on a screen leads to us actually feeling that emotion. It’s not a new theory. “Posing your face into a frown or smile doesn’t just affect your subjective experience,” explains Zacks, “it also affects your brain’s response.”
Skipping to Part II of the book, called The Tricks That Make Movies Work, we learn how several “tricks” fool our movie-watching brains. For instance, how do our brains make sense of film cuts (actually splices)? In fact, our brains are used to being briefly deprived of visual input when we blink or look around (when you move your eyes, there are very brief episodes of not seeing anything). So cuts in a movie’s action are experienced by our brains as like reality itself.
How do most of us, most of the time, miss so many continuity errors? Experiments have demonstrated a phenomenon called change blindness. Our vision is not persistent. “Visual persistence hangs on for only a fraction of a second,” explains Zacks, “and it is completely wiped out when new objects overlap where the old objects used to be.”

Tags: Psychology, Susan Perry .Movies, Brain 

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Lust vs Love: Do You Know the Difference?

How to tell the difference between love and lust by Judith Orloff M.D

As a psychiatrist, I've seen how intense sexual attraction is notorious for obliterating common sense and intuition in the most sensible people. Why? Lust is an altered state of consciousness programmed by the primal urge to procreate. Studies suggest that the brain in this phase is much like a brain on drugs. MRI scans illustrate that the same area lights up when an addict gets a fix of cocaine as when a person is experiencing the intense lust of physical attraction. Also in the early stage of a relationship, when the sex hormones are raging, lust is fueled by idealization and projection--you see what you hope someone will be or need them to be--rather than seeing the real person, flaws and all.
In my book on intuitive healing I discuss the difference between lust and love as well as techniques to enhance sexual wellness. Pure lust is based solely on physical attraction and fantasy--it often dissipates when the "real person" surfaces. It's the stage of wearing rose colored glasses when he or she "can do no wrong." Being in love doesn't exclude lust. In fact, lust can lead to love. However, real love, not based on idealization or projection, requires time to get to know each other. Here are some signs to watch for to differentiate pure lust from love.

Another challenge of sexual attraction is learning to stay centered and listen to your gut in the early stages of being with someone. This isn't easy in the midst of hormones surging, but it's essential to make healthy relationship decisions. Here are some tips to help you keep your presence of mind when you're attracted to someone. This needn't pull the plug on passion, but it'll make you more aware so you don't go looking for trouble.

SIGNS OF LUST

• You're totally focused on a person's looks and body.
• You're interested in having sex, but not in having conversations.
• You'd rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.
• You want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling or breakfast the next morning.
• You are lovers, but not friends.

SIGNS OF LOVE

• You want to spend quality time together other than sex.
• You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing.
• You want to honestly listen to each others feelings, make each other happy.
• He or she motivates you to be a better person.
• You want to get to meet his or her family and friends.

 It's so much nicer to be involved with someone your gut likes. Then you're not always guarding against a basic suspicion or incompatibility. You must also give yourself permission to listen to your gut when it says, "This person is healthy for you. You are going to make each other happy." To be happy, take a risk, but also pay attention to the warning signs I presented. This allows you to wisely go for the fulfilling relationships you deserve.


Tags:   Love , Judith Orloff M.D, Lust , Relationship, Psychology

Why do we Procrastinate ?

Many people misunderstand procrastination as a problem of laziness or poor time management. But procrastination especially problem procrastination is often a strategy used to manage struggles with self-esteem.
Everybody puts off some things some of the time. But some folks suffer considerable consequences, both external and internal.

External consequences: lost opportunities, missed deadlines, late fees, physical symptoms of stress, trouble at school, work, or in close relationships.

Internal consequences: anxiety, depression, harsh self-judgment, feelings of fraudulence.
When procrastination interferes with your productivity and your peace of mind, it is probably related to underlying fears and issues with self-esteem.

Here are some of the most common anxieties linked with procrastination:

Fear of Failure
Example: Jesse is majoring in Engineering with the hope of getting a good job after graduation. He is behind on his homework, and he’s often late doing his part on group projects. Engineering doesn’t seem to come as naturally to him as it does for others. He knows he should work even harder to keep up, but instead he plays video games and practices his guitar. Then he hates himself for not doing well in his major and fears he’s ruining his chances in the job market. Analysis: Jesse is afraid that his best effort won’t be good enough. By procrastinating, he does not give his best effort. Then when he doesn’t do well, he can blame it on procrastination, not on a lack of ability. He protects his self-esteem by assuming that if he had kept up with his work, he would have done much better.  It’s safer to feel bad about not trying than to put in the effort and fall short.
It’s possible that Jesse’s procrastination is a signal to be taken seriously. Maybe engineering is a good idea in theory, but it’s not the right field for him. Or maybe if he wasn’t so afraid of failing and immersed himself in his work, he would like it better. As long as he procrastinates, he’ll never know.

Fear of Success
Example:  Rachel is a project manager for a pharmaceutical company. Her boss is grooming her for advancement. But Rachel is slowing down, instead of achieving. She puts off communicating with her team, is late returning emails, and she even forgot to attend an important meeting.


Analysis: Rachel is using procrastination to sabotage her promotion. She worries about the demands that would come with more success, and she’s not sure she wants them or could handle them. And if she did succeed at the next level, would even more be expected of her? Instead of making a thoughtful decision about her career path, Rachel is relying on procrastination to avoid success.


Fear of Feeling Controlled
Example: As a self-employed contractor, Ryan enjoys being his own boss. He never liked working for other people—he didn’t realize he’s end up having to answer to his clients. They often ignore his advice and a few of them haggle over his charges. Ryan rarely meets the timelines he has projected, and he waits too long to order materials and line up his sub-contractors. Clients are inconvenienced and angry with him, and he feels unappreciated for his skills.
Analysis: Ryan’s procrastination is expressing his frustration indirectly. He feels resentment that clients tell him what to do while he knows better. One way he can take charge is to work on his schedule, not theirs. His procrastination is his way of taking control instead of feeling controlled. He knows it’s self-defeating because he doesn’t get referrals from his clients, but he his unable to compromise his sense of independence.

 To help identify the reasons behind your procrastination, imagine the issues you would face if you stopped procrastinating. What problems are “solved” by procrastination? If you address those fears directly, you won’t have to rely on procrastination for protection, and you will be more able to get on with your life.


Tag: Psychology today ,  Jane Burka and Lenora Yuen .....